The Sharpened Spoon

After moving through six states before the age of thirteen, is it any wonder that I picture myself some sort of story teller? HA, it is no wonder that two of my first three novels feature moving vans and old beater cars, a staple of my growing up years as a church of christ preacher's kid.

My first novel was started on a Royal manual typewriter in the summer of 1985. I earned the money from cutting grass, which I hated, so I decided to turn it into something that I loved, books! Unfortunately for the world, that particular literary masterwork was never to appear in print, since a technical glitch in the form of a broken ribbon, stopped me cold on page 48. I have since lost the pages, but from what I remember it was pretty epic.

I kept writing. My next venue was a Wednesday night youth group, where we wrote comedy and drama sketches as a team. It was one heck of team, with guys like Christopher Jennings, Dave Lewis, Marty Taylor, Ryan Hackworth, Jennifer Haggard, Derek Graves and too many others to count. It was a great learning experience. You found out what worked and what didn't right away.

Then there was a musical called Boxcar Limousine that never quite saw the light of day, about the prodigal son, set in the old west. It was inspired by a piece Wesley Brainard and Mark Taylor cooked up for a Metro Church day at Frontier City. It was probably better than I would give it credit for, but since I never got the music past humming the tunes and writing the lyrics, we'll never know, will we?

Then there was a long dry spell, during which I directed about thirty stage plays and musicals and didn't have time to write. When it ended, I was walking home from my theater one night, and I told God, either give me the money for the rights to the piece I wanted to produce, or let me write my own. So, he did. It took me all of ten minutes to outline the plot of what was to become “What Goes Up” a play I produced at Family Theatre Warehouse with my friends Chad Anderson, Tim Morris, Dawn I cannot remember her last name, but she was funny, Michelle Howe, Tim Burgess, Michael Morris and some others. From there, I just kept going, “Advice From a Busboy” was next with Tom Sawyer, Peggy Hoshal, Sarah Nilson, Roger Redden, and I am sure a few others. We had a blast.

But, unfortunately, theatre is a very expensive way to share stories, and we couldn't keep it going.

Fast forward through two years of online writing for a content mill, which taught me a lot about writing fundamentals, a year and a half in social media marketing, which made me a mad skilled blogger, and down to today!

So, towards the end of Family Theatre Warehouse, I wrote this little novella, or so I thought. Turns out it was actually long enough to be a novel. I first published it on Lulu.com to see it in print, I was so excited! I think Stephen Anderson, and Jenny Dunning were the only ones to read it at the time! HA!

Now, I have decided, no one who has ever read my work said anything like, “needs a lot of work”, or that they even did not like it. Even my friend, Rene Gutteridge, author extraordinaire, who allowed me to crew on her awesome screen translation of the novel Skid, which she wrote, told me it was time to find an agent.

Well, I don't think I'm up for it, and after reading as much as I have about indie authors, I have decided to become one. I hope all of you will be patient with me, as I will unabashedly promote my stuff, without being obnoxious, I hope, until it sells, A LOT! So, if you want me to shut up, help me get it started! Lol. Anyway, here is the plan, Wishmonger got a facelift and is up for download, http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00M5MU37Q next up is The Sons of Thunder, a story about a pastor who drops out of traditional church in favor of following the teaching of Jesus, yeah, it's a comedy. Anyway, here's a snippet from it. Hope you like!

Let me set this up, Tru, our hero, has just found out that he is losing the pastorate of a church he started. He goes on a morning news show to do an interview with his ex-associate pastor along for the ride, this is part of what happens.

The anchor was sweating bullets, this was good TV and he knew it, but he felt like he was walking a tight rope, “Pastor Jensen, was this vote a ploy to get the votes against Pastor Proffitt's wishes?”

Bill Jensen looked directly into the camera,“Community of Christ cares deeply for the homeless and the destitute of this city. That's why we are building this coffee shop. Not only will it raise much needed funding for homeless programming, but every Monday evening, from 5 to 6 PM, the cafe will be open to those very people for a Bible study, directly geared to them and designed to help them in their daily struggle. We also care about our former pastor in his time of grief. What my friend here is failing to mention is that the profits from the coffee shop and the book store would be put right back into our relief missions. In fact, we project it will more than double..”

The combination of sleep deprivation, hanging with strippers, a sleepless night at the hospital, and his general disdain for Bill Jensen boiled over in an instant. Even as he spoke, Tru felt a sense of dread. This could not end well,“When? When will that happen, Bill? At least two years and you're borrowing money from a fund that should be helping people right now..”

“Tru, I know you're upset, but this is not helping, you know that we are busy helping the poor and the disenfranchised. We serve breakfast twice a month at the rescue shelter and we sponsored six families last Christmas which is a lot for a congregation of our size...” Bill Jenses seemed to be enjoying this.

“Look around Bill. It's not enough, whatever we're doing is not enough. You think people need a Bible study in your damn coffee shop? You can walk four blocks in any direction from this studio and find people who could've used that money today, last night, last week, not two years from now!” Tru stood up from the sofa and walked over to the street side windows a camera man following close behind.

Bill turned toward the camera on his right, away from Tru and smiled smugly into the camera“You know you're crazy, right?”

“So, what? That's supposed to disqualify me?" Tru headed back toward Bill Jensen, somewhere alarms were going off in his head loud enough to keep him from launching himself on top of the man,"All of the Biblical prophets were a little nuts. John the Baptist lived in the wilderness wearing camels hair and eating bugs, Balaam talked to a donkey, Jonah was swallowed by a whale, Elijah called bears out of a forest to consume children who made fun of his hair and Ezekiel communicated with extra terrestrials. You think just because we haven't seen a real prophet for a couple of generations that they're gone? They'll be back and when they do come back it's going to be the kind of carnival sideshow that only happens once in a millennium.”

Tru walked off the set and down the hall toward the dressing room where his jacket was. He was done. The intern in the jeans and Tshirt followed him with his clipboard, “Sir, we need you to come back for the next segment, they told me they have some follow up questions.”

“No,” Tru stopped and turned to him,”Tell them I apologize, but I will not sit out there and pretend not to be outraged by what this man has done to the Church that I loved and my wife's memory. Here is your microphone, good day.” He carefully pulled the microphone from his pocket and handed it to him, un-stringing the cord from his shirt.

The book takes place in Oklahoma City, which should be fun for a lot of my friends, and it is funny, if I do say so. I am planning to launch it on Sept 19^th, so stay tuned!

Two of my eight kids have made it, to college, that is. Two home schooled students, accepted to major universities, and receiving scholarships. If this doesn't do it for you, they both choose worship experiences, quiet times with friends and service projects when they are free to make their own choices. SO, how did we raise such awesome kids?

I would like to say there was some grand plan, but to be perfectly honest, we have mostly taken a one day at a time, allow the child to find their way approach, while offering lots of guidance, clear cut guidelines for behavior in our family, and as many opportunities to do the things they were passionate about as we could afford.

I know that's not very specific, so here at three things we did that I think all parents should do to get great kids.

There is so much more, that I am sure we have done, some intentionally, some intuitively, but I hope this saves somebody some frustration. Ultimately, it has been my goal, and we seem to be batting 1000 on this so far, to raise children who do not turn out to be a**holes. That's my advice, good luck, and relax, it isn't as hard as it looks. The hard stuff is up to God anyway.

What would I do today if I did not care what anyone thought? Would I be awesome, take chances, make something happen? Or would I continue working only hard enough to remain comfortable, fearing the great risks of life.

For most people who have met me, fearful would probably not be a word they would use to describe me. Brash, outspoken, a bit of a radical thinker, perhaps, but not fearful. But, that doesn't make it any less true. I am afraid. I may even be addicted to safety.

I started out in life, like so many, with a lot of promise. I have several obvious talents, scholarship being among them, I rose to the top of every classroom. I started acting at a fairly young age, and got a lot of praise for my efforts. I started my first businesses as a kid, and was fairly successful. I can speak in front of any crowd, on almost any topic without embarrassing myself, but yet, I am stuck.

It seems that potential and gifts are simply what we make of them. As a wise man once said, If you think you can, or you can't, you are probably right! And so, I start another day in the life.

Right now, I am an itinerant carpenter (sounds familiar) trying to keep enough work to pay the bills, without falling off the edge in to workaholism. It isn't easy, with eight kids, two headed off to college.

I think one reason I have never ventured further is that I have romanticized my life. Surviving in the tough and gritty world, just slightly counter cultural, not caring too much about anything, critiquing it all, as if I am somehow outside the “system”. But, I'm not.

I am just as much as anyone else, caught up in the unfolding of history, and going kicking and screaming into whatever future lays in store will do little to curtail it.

I have tried, from time to time, to get in touch with who I really was meant to be. I thought I had it all mapped out for 25 years. In the end, it has always come back to how people would perceive me, and whether my mask was skillfully crafted enough to let me get by. I have mostly felt like an outsider my whole life, either feeling that I didn't understand enough to fully engage, or that I understood too much to participate, since it was meaningless anyway.

So, what to do about it? I am letting the mask slip a little today. I'm lonely. Not alone, and not unloved. I have a wonderful wife and children who make up the closest thing to a perfect family I could dream of. Not friendless, I have several very good friends that I count on whenever, although not often enough. I want community. Something larger than family, but smaller than social media. Ha!

Well, while I am at it, let's go a little deeper. I am scared. Not afraid that my life means nothing, I will probably have a greater influence than most, just by sheer numbers of offspring. Not afraid to meet God, although I know I can do better, He and I are at peace for the most part. But, I am afraid that I will miss it! What? You may ask, are you going to miss? I am afraid that in the busyness of my life, I will miss my opportunity, or that I have already had it and blown it. I am afraid that I will never be everything that I could be, or want to be. And so, I sit, afraid, like the servant with the talent buried in the ground, afraid that I will try, but no one will pay attention, afraid that I will succeed, and forget who I am in the process, afraid that I don't even know where to begin to try, and so, day after day, I drive screws and cut lumber, all the while dreaming of something more, but afraid to take the first steps.

Let me tell you who I want to be. I want to be a storyteller, and I got to do that on a small scale for a lot of years, but I want more. I want to change the way people, not everyone, but some people, how they view the world!

I have always been a writer, even did it for a living for a couple of years, and as you can see, spent quite a bit of time in the past on this blog. But what I have in mind is bigger. I want to be seen. I want people to read me. I want to make my books into movies, and even have an idea to create an entirely new form of entertainment using today's broadcast channels.

So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to begin to think as if it were already a reality! So, when you see me posting my new stories, go take a look. Tell me what you think, even if you don't agree with it! Tell me how it makes you think, does it effect the way you see things? I hope so, even if you never agree with me. I want to wake people up. I want to inspire.

This is mostly brought on by changes happening in my own life, but, Robin Williams is a personal hero of mine, in the stories he chose to tell. Not all of them, but many, were very worth telling and he did it with a passion that has only been equaled by a very few. So, what about you? What would you do today if you really did not care what anybody else thought?

AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I hate "Christian" bookstores! As with most of my opening statements, allow me to explain. I am a firm believer that Jesus was a practitioner of the K.I.S.S. principle. For those who don't know, that stands for Keep It Simple Stupid. How, you may ask, does this apply to the subject at hand? I will tell you, my friend.

Yesterday, it seems much longer ago, I had several moments to spare between meetings and decide to kill some time perusing the aisles of a local merchant who's name I will only say begins with "Mard" and ends in "ell". I went, as is my custom on such occasions, directly for the cheap stuff in the bargain shelves. I passed over several books which I will probably read in the future but was just not inclined to purchase on the day in question and was just ambling down the aisles reading the spines of the different books when it struck me, (now this is not an original thought, nor is it my first time at this particular rodeo, never the less) Why would it require seventeen thousand volumes all more than four hundred pages to accurately depict what God has to say about the economy?

Let me back up a bit. God, okay? God, creates the universe in seven days. Then walks through six thousand odd years of human history making friends. Out of these friends he picks a few dozen and asks them to record certain details of his interactions and ideas in the process of providing a snapshot, as it were, of himself and how he chooses to interact with humans. He protects these written documents through various means and reveals them to us. We quickly compile and organize, (which may have been our first mistake, I mean how many times has the Truth been obfuscated by the simple fact that "that verse is in the next chapter"?) then set about to make as many versions, translations, editions whatever as possible.

During all of this the original text essentially stays the same, sixty-six books, right? (okay now, this is not the conversation where we break out the apocrypha, the lost gospels, etc) IF you add all of the documents that have ANY valid claim to being a part of the "Judeo Christian" scriptual record, they still could not compare in sheer volume and variation with the mounds of worthless crap adorning the shelves of only ONE DEPARTMENT of the modern Christian Superstore! And most of this has been produced not only within the context of American history, but within the last half century!

Then I turn the corner from the bargain bins and look out across the vast array of competing viewpoints, wow! There's this video, and granted I didn't listen too much because by this time I am feeling a little sick, and a guy sitting on a stool telling me that the circumstances of my life dictate that I should purchase THIS BIBLE that THIS BIBLE versus any other will bring the truth of God's word to bear on my life more powerfully because it has been prepared by the greatest theological minds of our times! Well, whoopteedoo! Look, I'm sure these guys are great. I'm sure that many of their viewpoints are valid and insightful, but here's the thing...

There was this guy named Balaam, remember? This guy was called as God's prophet to Israel. Then a king came and made him an offer he couldn't refuse, riches beyond his wildest dreams to speak a simple curse against a tribe of nomads from Egypt who were eating all his grain. God said, "No, they are blessed, don't do it," Balaam spent a couple days allowing them to offer more and more money until he finally cracks and goes to speak the curse, an angel and a talking donkey got involved and you remeber the rest....POINT?

When all of these "teachers" "Preachers" and "Prophets" have tied their livelihood to their individual publishing empires, who speaks for God? Look, I hate money. Anybody who knows me knows it is rarely a motivating factor in my decisions, however, when one of my acting students threatens to withdraw based on something that is within my power to change my ability to make the "right" choice gets clouded. You know you should spend more time with your family, but your boss needs this, your boss, needs that, what about my promotion I won't get if I do the right thing? SERIOUSLY! If my ability to make a living is contingent upon my getting enough people to to read my prophetic utterance in the guise of the next bestseller, HOW CAN I REALLY SAY ONLY WHAT I HEAR GOD SAY????!!!

So.. I realllly hate Christian book stores, because to me they represent how the Men of God of today have prostituted themselves into preparing "doctrine" that will tickle the ears. Are you still there or did I officially piss everbody off? Hello? Oh well, I said what I needed to say.

I haven't written anything here for awhile. The last “cause” that I took up kind of took the wind out of my sails. That being said, I feel that I should add my voice to the cacophony of noise that is circulating regarding the current climate in our country. There are many people who are rightly angry about many of the abuses of our government. Most notably, at the moment, it is the OWS movement. Before I go any further, I will say a few words about what I think on this subject.

First, I do not believe that everyone should have a free ride for their lifespan. I do not believe in socialism as a system of government, it has already proved itself to be a failure in many, many cases. That being said, I also think that we need to seriously consider what is going on. We have a situation where 1% of the country controls the vast majority of the wealth. I know that most of my conservative friends are knee jerking into a response that goes like this, “they earned it”. I have a long standing policy against using obscenity in print which I am about to suspend, BULLSHIT!

We have a system of government in place at the moment that is incredibly slanted towards those with deep pockets and influence, a system the virtually guarantees their continued reign, with very little threat of it changing. It goes a little something like this. Good, Christian people believe in a little thing called “law and order”. They believe in “submission to authority”. and what I believe has happened, actually I think I can observe it happening, is this: our leaders have tapped into that in the following way. First, find a source of revenue. Second, find out what those who control that source of revenue want to allow you to tap into it. Third, pass legislation to make the thing those who control the revenue want a matter of “legality”. Fourth, over time, overcome the moral outrage of the outspoken, keeping the law in place long enough that its “moral” component transforms itself from “wrong” to “legal” to “God given right”.

If you do not believe me, think back Okies, just a few years. We legalized gambling in our state. What had once been taboo became protected and within a few short years, many people who would not have been caught dead in a casino were vacationing in Vegas and spending their weekends at poker tournaments. Do I think gambling is a sin? Not relevant. But, I think this illustrates my point.

This same system also works in reverse. Find, or create a source of revenue large enough to be worthy of congressional attention. Adopt a cause that benefits said revenue. Petition congress to custom craft legislation to protect said revenue stream. Share said revenue stream with leaders in various ways. Sue everyone else out of business, or make sure they fall into an “illegal” category.

Because the “rule of law” has, in many cases, replaced the moral conscience in our society,the law is now our measuring stick. Whatever we can do within it, is “legit”, whatever is outside it is not, no matter its moral relevance. We are no longer a nation guided by our individual consciences, we have fallen victim to one of the most insidious devices, the “majority rule” , or human consensus. Whatever the majority of us will allow without too much fuss, becomes the standard.

This belief in law and order has even taken us (christians) to the point that rather engage in whatever cause God calls us to and allowing the civil system to mete out whatever consequences they see fit, as the disciples did, we lobby like everyone else to get our beliefs legislated. This is not, I believe, what the Bible speaks of when it talks about respect for authority. Those same passages were written at a time when the writers themselves were engaged in some of the most subversive of civil disobedience. They were conducting illegal religious services, teaching where they were forbidden and even expressly breaking laws that went against their beliefs, allowing themselves to be arrested, jailed, beaten, even executed, in following their conscience. “They loved not their lives, even unto death”.

This leads me to the current situation. We have a nation that is being more and more deeply divided every day between the haves and the have nots. There are many who argue that those who have not are simply lazy and jealous.

Let me stop here and ask a couple of questions. How many people do you know who will fight to the death to defend the idea that hard work and right choices will bring success? Now, how many of those are exhibiting this work ethic in their own lives? Most, right? Now, how many of them are successful enough that if they lost their ability to earn a living right now they would be able to maintain their current lifestyle for more than a year, six months, three months, a month? And yet, they hold onto this idea as if it were gospel.

In a fair and just society, this virtue of hard work and honest dealing would win out in the majority of cases. In our own society it is no longer the case. Things are changing rapidly, ask around. Old ways of doing business are no longer working. Marketing, advertising and sales techniques that used to net solid returns are not valid anymore. Jobs that used to feed families, pay for vacations and fund retirements are going away and new opportunities are taking their place. We are moving into a great transition, I think, unlike anything we have seen since the industrial revolution. The future is bright, but in the mean time, it sucks in a lot of ways.

In 2008, over a nine month span, food prices increased by nearly 40% and have not come back down. We, here in Oklahoma, have almost that many people (40%) on some type of government assistance, but unemployment is not nearly that high? Why the discrepancy? All of these working people are just too lazy to work hard enough? Really? I don't think so.

There will always be those who will not keep work. Whether it is within their power to change or not, who knows, I for one, think we pay enough into government (over 40% with fed state and local taxes even on the poorest Americans) that we ought to be able to give these guys a sandwich and a bunk. Do I like it? No, but look they already have my money, why not spend it on sustaining life at least, instead of whatever it is they do with it that makes them think they deserve more of it next year!

In this climate where more and more of our money is going to support an over bloated government, who can blame people for protesting? Are they protesting the right things? Not for me to decide. That brings me to the original point of this entire article, the OWS crew. In the last few days there have been increasing reports of police violence against these groups. In some cases, that violence is provoked, and in part, it is probably intentionally provoked, but in others it seems to be wholesale and unwarranted.

The entire reason I started writing tonight was this. I posted this on FB

A peace that must be kept with pepper spray and batons against non-violent protestors, is not worth keeping. I don't care what their complaint, I would gladly stand up to protect their right to protest. Who else believes that the militarization of our police forces has now turned the corner from protection to control? What will they want to control next?

A dear friend replied and in part here is what he said:

 If a protest is made on private property, and the protesters are trespassing, and refuse to obey a lawful order by a police officer, better a little pepper spray to disperse them than to arrest them for trespassing...

So, here, I ask you, please find that response for me in the first ammendment:

Amendment I: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

My response to this entire conversation goes back to my first premise, that many well meaning people have allowed their conscience, their sense of right and wrong, to be replaced with a belief in “law and order”. In this instance, I believe that allowing our police to brutally enforce ANY law against non combative people is tantamount to not allowing due process. I think that many who oppose OWS are cheering for this police response, but, I believe, this is short sighted. IF these protestors are breaking the law, arrest them. Give them due process and their day in court, not a faceful of pepper spray, a baton to the skull or a spraying with fire hoses, or rubber bullets. Is it messy to tie up our court system with this? Yes, but not nearly as costly as giving up our right to peaceably assemble. IF we allow this to continue, please listen, these incidents will be used to create precedence in case law, that WILL become legislative in its effect. That precedence will continue to be used in the future to further restrict our right to peaceably assembly and protest. Next time, it could be YOUR cause that is considered a threat.

Answer this for me. What good would it do to put a system in place which forced a child to ask the school yard bully for a permit to stand up against him or her? That is what we have allowed to happen. The constitution says that no law should abridge our right. Is forcing you to subject yourself to government to gain permission to protest not an abridgment?

Here is my prayer. I pray that America will wake up. That we will realize that we have a government we cannot afford, that has restricted many of our freedoms to the point of ridiculous while defending the rights of others to overthrow theirs, when it is politically expedient. I pray that we will stop “just doing our jobs” and start “just doing what is right” and be willing to pay the consequences.

Alissa Stinnet, she stands all of 5'2”, tiny little waif of a woman with a quick smile and a sense of humor, but she has a spine of steel when it comes to pushing us, cheering us on, dragging us when necessary, and she teaches spin at the North Side Y where my wife and I and 14 others sit for an hour every Tuesday and Thursday. In fact, if you don't show up 30 minutes early, there will not be a bike for you, and at least one person is frequently disappointed.

Sitting on a stationary bicycle, peddling seems easy enough, except that its much more than that. Spin class, in a way represents so much in life. You are in control of the tension, how much you are willing to suffer to get the body you want, to get more energy, to improve your health. Are you staying on the surface, or are you willing to make yourself deeply uncomfortable to achieve your Goals?

This morning, about half way into the workout, disappointed with our efforts Alissa says this, “ Come on! Add up the tension! It's okay to be uncomfortable!” and a groan almost escapes my lips followed by a sarcastic response, but then it hits me, she's right!

Internally I go into Alice in Wonderland mode and chase this particular rabbit down its hole into a universe of ideas that is one of my favorite places. As I fall, ideas begin to take form, words, thoughts, feelings merge into something more, a conviction. The feeling that I am about to taste some truth for the first time!

A wave of scenes from my life washes over me and in an instant I see myself more clearly. “It is okay to be uncomfortable”, on the surface this is something that I believe, that you don't always need more, don't always have to get everything you want to be happy, that happiness is a product of finding contentment with things as they are, not the finish line of a race to obtain. But, in this instant there is more. I am reminded of specific instances in my life, instances when I have been stirred to action by some perceived injustice, some wrong carried out against another that needs to be righted, and I watch my reactions.

Initially I wait, I think about these things, I feel around inside myself to find out what is stirring me, make sure this is a God deal, and in most cases come up with a yes! Then I watch as the situations progress, see my prayer, my asking for a solution, for resolution. I watch my descent into frustration, anger and finally see the limit I reach, the depths I go to before taking action, before speaking out, the level of frustration and anger that has forced me to react. But then I notice something. The place that I come to in each case is nowhere near as deep as I could go, not as deep as I can be pushed, but my level of discomfort becomes too high, the price to steep to keep it internal.

I ask God about this, and he understands, he sees my frustration and the fruit of it as a misplaced reaction to a genuine injustice, there is no judgment for me from him for my sometimes immature reactions, but he looks down, into the depths and holds out his hand. As I take it, we drop, down, inside of me, deeper than I have consciously been before, down to the seat of my soul, down to the place inside where God has taken root and changed me on a cellular level. Into the heart of God for me, and those I think to protect. Down into that place where the Psalmist says, Deep Calls to Deep!

And as I reach that level, below where my conscious mind can follow, into a realm of pure spirit, I sense that there are solutions, answers here that go beyond my simple reactions. Things that I do not access from the physical realm. This is the place where that battle that is not against flesh and blood takes place, but it is not in the way that I have heard it. Not in the way that I have been taught, there is nothing militant, or angry, or striving here, it is a force too large for those simple, violent ideas, it is the source of all. It has the flow of the oceans, with the strength and volume of a mountain. It roars silently around me, carries me so effortlessly, that although I know I am moving very fast toward something, deeper and deeper, there is no sensation of moving, I am one with this force. And as quickly as I am there, I am here, back, the wheel still spinning, the music still playing, but there is an understanding.

This is it. In those times when I see wrongs that must be righted, God is challenging me to press into him, until I no longer have the need to seek exterior answers. Until the solution is around me and in me and through me, until I give up in total surrender and am willing to suffer, at times in silence, other times suffering with a loud voice of warning, but always willing to not seek a human solution, until I am released to do so, and then only to follow Him, into the solution He wants. To dive deep to the heart of God and bring up solutions that surpass my human understanding, supersede my human need for justice and bring the cause of heaven to bear on the situations of life.

Have you ever wondered what it might be like to have real two way conversation with God? I know this sounds weird, but that is something I have done my whole life, and I know its him because of the things that happen after these conversations.

Trust me completely when I say I am not bragging and here is why. Many times these conversations go a little something like this....

Me: God, I really want you to use me for anything you need, anything at all.

God: Really? You sure about that, no "caveats" not exclusion clauses?

Me: Nope, I trust you. Give it to me.

God: That's great, cause you know what I really need right now?

Me: An ambassador to Italy? (my wife and I would love to live there for a year or two)

God:Nope, bigger than that.

Me: A Broadway Director with sterling character to change the heart of American Theatre?

God: Nope.

(this goes on with me going down the list of things that in my mind were included in "anything" and to each and every one he answers with "nope, bigger")

Me: I give up, what is it? (closing my eyes with childlike anticipation)

God: I could really use a human pinata!

Let the beating commence!

You always hear it said that God will not give you more than you can handle. If this is true, I am convinced that much like I confuse my own children from time to time, he has me confused with someone else. I have a sneaking suspicion that this not at all true, that in fact God loves overloading us to the point of breaking, just so he can prove how big he is.

Some of you probably read my blog over the last year and know what I have been through. I am not into comparing, and next to losing a child, or lung, or a loved one, it was really nothing, and yet...

So, now I am in this place of transition in my life, which is maybe why I feel like I have been wrapped in webbing and left dangling from a tree branch waiting to die. Or, maybe that is the feeling of turning 40 in less than a week, I don't know...But, here's the thing, I know I am not supposed to ask WHY? But I don't care. After everything that I went through I have to ask, why? Nothing changed in the place I was called to stand up and ask for change. In fact, the people that I see as the root of the problem are still very much doing business as usual. And in my own life, I feel like God has just further convinced me of my feelings about the institutional church as it exists today, and it isn't a happy conviction. So, what do I do?

See, there really isn't anything you can do about God. He has a plan which is so much bigger than any of us that it is a very rare day when we rise above the clouds far enough to catch a small glimpse of our part in it. Even when we do it's as if it were written in Martian.

No matter how much we try to package the idea that we can somehow decipher why God does what he does, or determine if it is God doing it, the TRUTH is we can't. But, I know when I hear his voice, when I get something deep seeded in me that will not let go and it's such a rush to be hearing it, and I am so excited about what comes next. That is what keeps me coming back to this place where I find myself today, dragging myself out of hiding and heading off to Mt Carmel to face God knows what.

One of these times, maybe I won't be so myopic. So near sighted that all I see is how this effects me. Maybe I will get it, but then, maybe not.