Friday, September 10, 2010

How to Win Friends and Influence Muslims!


Do not be eager to be thought of as a teacher. Don't you realize that those of us who teach will be judged more strictly by God and man? (paraphrase James 3:1)

First of all I know I'm a hypocrite for even writing this. I preach against making insulting comments about people whom you have never met, but I kinda feel like I know Terry Jones. So that out of the way...

For the last several days a very serious battle between the forces of good and evil has been playing out right before our eyes. I am of course speaking of the war between gravity and the roots of the hair in Terry Jones' mustache as it struggles to prevent the hairy monster from crashing to earth taking his face with it and revealing to the world the tiny little child that is piloting this “pastor's” body.

Who else but a third grade boy could be so ridiculously self centered as to hold the entire world hostage with a threat of setting a fire? Not since the days of elementary school have I witnessed such blatant playground politics.

First Terry calls names and threatens to burn the “bully's” prize possession on the premise that this particular book is filled with evil and “God” told him to do it! With the exception of a couple Old Testament prophets, when has God ever needed press releases and conferences to gather a crowd to witness a stunt like this? And, correct me if I'm wrong, but when they did get all theatrical and lay siege to a model of the city, wear a linen belt and roll around in the dirt, etc it was always to call God's people to repentance, not to point out how heathen the heathens were.

I'm quite sure that had “Pastor Flipflop McWaffle Jones” ,or “Flippy” as he will be called for the remaining duration of this blog entry, known what a stink he could raise , he probably would have realized that god's revelation (I refuse to capitolize the “g” because I don't think God with a capitol G has said anything this guy has listened to in a while) was really relating to the ten year anniversary of the World Trade Center attacks, and taken another year to promote and schedule his book tour, or at least get a proper banner printed for the side of that butt ugly trailer. Or perhaps he would have hidden under his bed from sheer terror of the threats that would come at him from both sides. But this guy is eating this up!

I'm not a shrink, nor have I played one in my extensive acting career (unless you count one three minute youth sketch sometime in the early nineties), but it is my guess that wanting this kind of attention is the reason that this guy became a pastor, to “Speak for God”. Now, I'm pretty sure that God is less than approving of the message this guy is pronouncing and I'm a little less than thrilled that people all over the world are linking him to things that I believe in, very deeply, myself. So I felt perhaps it behooved me to distance myself from this type of lunatical behavior. I say this type, because there are other types of which I whole heartedly agree, I will explain in a moment.

SO ANYWAY! With a clear word from the Lord as to the proper course of action Pastor Flippy schedules his event. Then, when it becomes even clearer that the only people who are in favor of him doing it are just the ones that want video of him being roasted on a spit, over the burning qurans, to add to their Youtube channels, he flips. Apparently a local Imam, or as it Flippy so eloquently pronounced it in one interview Islaammic Immen, spoke with him and told him he could arrange a chance to meet the leaders behind the Ground Zero Mosque. Flippy sees this as another sign from God and announces to the world that this fine fellow has assured him that they will be moving the mosque as long as Flippy agrees to put down the lighter and step away from the blowtorch.

This is where it gets really interesting. Whether Pastor Flippy thought that saying this aloud would force their hand, or he knowingly lied, or he was deluded into believing that he had single-handedly saved America from the Islamic scourge, we will never know. IT didn't work. The Imam in Florida and the leaders in NYC were quick to denounce pastor Flippy and let us all in on the fact that the man is a liar, delusional, or both, no such agreement had ever, or ever will, exist.

Now we have reached my favorite part of the story. After telling the world that god told him to burn quarans, because they are evil and convince Muslims to kill people...(like this nutbag can't do that without help from an ancient holy book?) Pastor Flippy McWaffle Jones claims he is disappointed, nay , outraged that these Muslims (who are evil, remember?) have LIED to him and now it's ON! (the book burn that is) or maybe not, but unless they move the mosque he is definitely, maybe considering a bonfire that may or may not contain books that closely resemble the muslim koran. They LIED to you? What do you expect? I will tell you almost anything you want to hear if I believe that GLOBAL CATASTROPHE may follow your next move, and sleep very well tonight, thankyou. Besides, I think I think it very much more likely that the ends of your mustache have become so ensconced in your ears that you only hear what you want to hear and the Imam never said any such thing.

I also think that the entire case has been overstated. I know that there are Muslim zealots who would like nothing better than to see me, as an American and a follower of Christ, dead, but...I have a feeling that most Muslims feel very much like the Islamic man on the street in London who told a reporter that the world was making a very big deal out of a church of thirty members and one Idiot. He went on to say that burning a stack of qurans will not destroy Islam. Here's what I think. A few mosques in Palestine may have dedicated their weekly “Friday Flag Flaming” in his honor, but didn't we have the same headlines last Friday?

MUSLIMS BLOW STUFF UP WHILE SELF RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIANS FREAK OUT!

Is it really that different?

There have always been radicals. One of them is my all-time hands down hero. He was a humble blue-collar worker from a small town. He spent his days sharing important ideas with his friends and anyone who would hear him about how people should treat each other. He hung out with a lot of people who would, frankly, not be on most of our top ten influential people lists. The first thirty years of his life he lived in anonymity and then for three years he went around pissing off both the religious and political establishment of his day, by NOT taking the bate and playing their game. They killed him for it.

Over the next decades of World History his friends would mostly be assassinated or imprisoned by the government or religious leaders. Here are a couple of key points about Him and what he taught.
He taught his followers to never return evil for evil but to overcome it with good. He taught them to willingly submit to the insults of others and to pray for their enemies. When he was unjustly accused by a Godless despotic government of treason he gave NO answer. When they beat him and cursed him and stripped him of his dignity, he publicly forgave them.

This TERRY JONES is the man who you claim is inspiring you to act like this! He won't say anything to you, because his kindness will eventually lead you to repentance. I hope. But, I am not that nice! People like you disgust me. According to reports you have lived off of more than your agreed upon share from the “temple coffers” for years. There were two priests who did that in the Old Testament, God caused fire to come from the altar and consume them where they stood. Men like you are lucky he is not in that business anymore! Please stop speaking for me. God did not tell you to burn Korans, or anything else for that matter! The only press conference you need to call is the one where you announce your resignation and repent of your misleading the people of God.

(That was spoken out of my own sense of indignation and not under known influence of God. If he chooses to use it, he will, if I am wrong, he will convict me of it and I will repent)

People, listen: in case you don't know, many “Christian Leaders” are neither! And God will call us all to account for following them. So, heed the advice of the apostle Paul when he said, “Follow me as I follow Christ” and when you see Jesus take a left when your “leader” is taking a right, get the heck out of line, put down the koran and the lighter fluid and go hug a muslim! You are not called to save, change, berate, educate, or enlighten them! You are called to LOVE! Okay, sermon over.

So now Flippy goes to New York City with his new-found muslim buddy on a commercial jet liner, wow....that sounds interesting. Can't imagine you'll have any trouble finding seats on THAT flight. And the rest of us sit with bated breath and wait to see if he will light the first match to flame the fires of ARMAGEDDON, my guess he won't, but even if he does it will blow out just like the millions of barbecue grills that were lit last weekend to celebrate the passing of Summer, and we can all get back to normality until the next crackpot comes along.

Love God
Love Others
Serve Everyone

Speaking of service, to the flight attendant on that plane with only two full seats, (you know who you are), It's customary to give the condemned man whatever he wants for his last meal.

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